Gainfully Employed But. . .

. . .it feels so wrong.

I like the company that I found employment with however being employed in this way or in such a manner feels wrong to me.  A certain part of me is happy as I am fullfilling the expectations of others but another part of me feels like I'm selling myself short by not following or fully pursuing my dreams.

This morning as I looked for and found my watercolour pencils and tested out a few colours I was filled with happiness and joy in knowing that this was me, this is what I enjoy doing yet I'm trying yet again to satisfy the expectations of others at the expense of dashing my dreams yet again.

Don't get me wrong though, I understand the need to be employed however I wish that employment to be for myself, me employing me and not having earn my keep through working for someone else, as in this case, a corporation.  It is a great company but again I'm not working for myself and again am putting my dreams on hold to satisfy others.

With that being said, I see this employment as temporary as I cannot fathom putting my dreams on hold for another three or four years in order to meet the expectations of others.  And in addition, the Tarot cards I've been visited by over the past months point to the need for me to have the courage to move forward for myself and yet here I am folding under the expectations and needs of others.  I need to rebuild my courage and stand up for myself and my needs and deal with the consequences as they come.  My needs have to be my priority.

It's so difficult to talk with anybody as everybody seems to be tied into telling me what I need and should be doing and that my dreams are unrealistic and it's better to look for work and do that instead of following my dreams.  I believe in my talents and abilities however my faith and trust in myself dwindles when others challenge and badger me into following the rest of the herd.  I need to have faith in myself and the courage to live my life for me.  I really need to be the author of my own life.

HELP!

Yesterday's visiting Tarot card is the "Man of Cups" and today's is "II The Intuitive".

Thank You Spirit.

Blessed Be.